Does your end game match your actions? Perhaps a better question to ask would be, “are your children prepared to live without you?” The thought of what our children will do when they grow up has been keeping us up at night. Everything started after Kennedy’s IEP when we suddenly realized she’s going to middle school next year. At first, we said, “no way, she’s not ready.” Slowly, we came to the decision to send her. But the decision was more about cost than comfort. We’ve been holding off on signing her IEP until this week so we could “think about it.” Then we thought about what Kennedy wants to do when she grows up and then figure out how she’s going to get there.
Ask yourself this – what’s your end game? Institution, assisted living, live with me forever or independence?
The answer to this question should dictate some of our parenting choices of our kids, and how much freedom or responsibility we give them. But we seem to have disconnected one from the other. Our goal for all three of our kids is independence, but we’ve caught ourselves helicopter parenting sometimes. That leads us to ask why? What are we afraid of?
We know that even neurotypical kids don’t just “become” responsible adults. It’s a learning process. It’s a skill that is typically learned by observing and then by doing. So, how will kids on the spectrum, many of whom have trouble with observational learning, take on the task of learning to be responsible, independent, adults? Temple Grandin touched on this in a recent interview when she said she didn’t want to hear about their autism from young adults on the spectrum. Instead, she wanted to hear about what they were interested in that could become a career option later. She also posited that kids on the spectrum as young as 12 should be given a job help build their strengths and skills.
“They could be walking dogs, helping buy groceries for an old person, they could work in a farmer’s market, as a tour guide in a museum, fixing computers for people. When I was 8, I was serving guests at my mother’s dinner parties. She was always having me do things like that.”
Please understand, nobody is suggesting that you hand a lawn mower to a low functioning child and say, “have fun.” Just like any parent, we have an obligation to find their strengths and help them develop them. Kennedy wants to be a movie director. She has come to work with me a few times and observed some amazing directors, including Bryce Dallas Howard – and she makes her own movies daily! Alex wants to be a video game designer – and seems to have an inherent understanding of them that totally escapes me. Bella is still deciding, but hey, she’s 7, and rock star princess will probably fade as her main objective.
In some cases we need to be more aggressive while maintaining a more covert supervision. We have begun to allow the kids to make their own decisions on things. For example, everyone got gift cards for their first communion last week. We gave them each a $40 limit to spend on whatever they wanted. They each did the math of what they could get and how many things they could purchase with that $40 – and let me tell you – they were a heck of a lot more deliberate in their choice making! We now allow them choices in picking their own clothes, how to find and pay for things at the grocery store, or ordering at a restaurant. They are learning how to do dishes, how to make simple meals and clean up after themselves independently. And no, I do not secretly go in after them to fix it anymore. Every 4-6 months, I do a major cleaning, but in the meantime, if they lose something in their room, it’s their responsibility to clean until they find it. I am not buying another Perry the Platypus because it’s buried in the toy box.
And yes, there have been some casualties – I have had a few Tupperware containers melted. Sometimes the girls mix up their laundry and Kennedy ends up trying to squeeze into something of Bella’s that is obviously – well – uncomfortable. Alex has lost his belt a few times, and he’s skinny enough that his pants will slowly drop… he now puts it in the same place every night!
That doesn’t mean you let them run wild, but you have to take the steps to force independence and independent thinking. The world will not move slower or be nicer – you need to prepare them to move with it.
More Reading:
Expanding Job Training & Placement Services for Young Adults with Autism – Pactt Vocational Services
With Training, Most with Autism Land Jobs
Enhancing Job-Site Training of Supported Workers With Autism: A Reemphasis on Simulation
