We have a polite request to therapists, clinicians and other people work with out kids out there.
There seems to be a trend out there that has irked us for some time now. Actually, it’s been bugging us for a while now, but this was the first time we had the opportunity to say something about it. Have you noticed that therapists, teachers and other people who work with your kid have taken to calling you Mom and Dad? I know this may sound a little nit-picky, but there is so much contained in a name. Parents who deal with autism have enough to deal with already. We face off monthly, weekly and sometimes daily against a juggernaut of a bureaucracy that is monumentally unforgiving. It can strip you of your dignity, your identity and make you feel like a number. Add to that, feelings of failure and self-loathing that we tend to pile upon ourselves that can lead to depression. More times than not, we have to fight for everything our kids need to get through life. We know you have no intent to harm us. We also know that we are just one of a dozen or more clients that you deal with every day and resources are limited. But on this one issue we encourage you to spare the time and energy. There have been many times in our lives that you are the only adult contact we have. We can tell you that it makes a difference when you don’t hear your name and instead a generic moniker, like Mom or Dad.
So, to all teachers, therapists, vice principals, coaches et al please take this in the spirit of friendship and good will – if I’m not paying for your wedding or your college education, we’re not your Mom or Dad. If you’re feeling formal you can call us Mr. or Mrs. Areffi but on most days, Melissa & Andy will do just fine. In return, we promise to not call you Mr. Therapist or Ms. Vice Principal.
Oh, one more thing, and we’ll follow our own rule too. To everyone who works with our kids:
- Carla Miller, vice principal
- Ms. Green, special ed teacher
- Ms. McNeeley, general ed teacher
- Anne Marie, therapist
- Nadine, therapist
- Molly, therapist
- Jennifer, therapist
- Paula, therapist
- Yagnesh, therapist
thank you for everything you do for our kids. We know that it’s not something you hear often enough from us parents. We will try and remember to say it more often.
I’m so glad to see this! When working with the developmentally disabled adults that I tutor, I’ve always followed this rule just as a general courtesy. It’s good to know that it’s appreciated like this!
Hi there,
I work at home with 4 wonderful boys, all on the spectrum. This post confuses me a bit so let me ask a question, and I hope it doesn’t sound accusatory, because it’s not.
But, are you talking about being called Mom / and Dad while we’re talking about you, or the staff is calling you Dad to your face.
For instance,
My boy, we’ll call him Adam to preserve confidentiality, has his father pick him up every Saturday to hang out together. When I get to the house I always ask him “Who’s coming today, Adam?” He’ll respond with “Dad”. I counter with “What will you and Dad do today?” And if when his father is here, I will tell him “Hey Adam! Dad is here, let’s go see him.”
Do you want us to call you by your name there?
Or do you mean, staff will call you to ask a question and address you as Mom / Dad?
Thanks for the comment Scott.
No we’re totally okay being referred to as Dad or Mom when they are talking to our kids about us. That is totally on par with encouraging proper language usage.
Here’s an example of what happened recently, we were in a team meeting for the school based therapy team. There were no kids at the meeting – just us, the BII therapists and the BID supervisor. The supervisor asked us if we had any input on a situation saying, “Dad, Mom, have you noticed anything going on at home?”
Another example we did an IEP modification for my son last month. Again, no kids there, just us, the teacher, speech therapist and the Vice Principal. Right at the start, the Vice Principal asked, “Dad, Mom, do you have any questions for us before we start?”
We know they aren’t — wait let me rephrase — we’re assuming and willing to give the benefit of the doubt that they are doing this with the best of intentions. Let’s face it, nobody gets into this line of work for the six figure salary and the awesome benefits package. They do it because they want to help kids and their families succeed. However, as I’m sure you know, the system has a way of making Parents feel like a number and getting kicked in the teeth by the system is way more likely to happen than anything else. Unfortunately, unless you are the type to wear your emotions on your sleeve, they will never know that this is the day you are not only feeling like a number but that number is a big fat 0. It is such a little thing but can be so important to be treated like an adult, a friend, or at bare minimum someone who knows your name and wants to talk to you.
I would also encourage anyone who works with parents of special needs kids to take 5 minutes every time you speak with them just to ask, “hey what’s up?” Care-giver depression extremely prevalent in this community and that 5 minutes can literally save someone.
I think you’re vastly overanalysing the situation. You ARE the dad/mom even when your child is not present. Some parents enjoy use of these titles to remind them that they’re the ones closest connected to the child everyone else is involved with. Sure, we work with them, but you’re the ‘boss’ – you’re the dad. I also have a similar request for you – don’t just use the word ‘therapist’. Some of us went to school for 6 years to do what we do, so please use our formal titles (e.g., speech pathologist) instead of generalising.
Thank you Lena for the comment.
I don’t mean this to be confrontational doesn’t your request to not be referred to by the generic moniker “therapist” demonstrate our point? We are more than happy to do that by the way. We were a little more generic in the blog post (at the suggestion of our editor) to make it easier on the reader. Perhaps we were too generic – for that we apologize.
Most of what we’re talking about is the moments when our kids are not even present — IEP meetings, Parent teacher conferences, Due Process court proceedings. This is the professional area where important decisions are made. When you address us as Mom and Dad in those situations it can make us feel like you can’t be bothered to remember our name. When refer to someone by their name you never run the risk of upsetting them. Our eldest daughter, Kennedy, used to refer to other kids as “boy” or “girl.” She would use phrases like, “hi boy, do you want to play with me?” The Speech Therapists worked with her to correct this because it wasn’t socially appropriate.
We will grant that there are probably some that don’t care, find it okay or even comforting. But, how do you know? Perhaps they’ve never thought about it. Have you ever asked the question? With all due respect, we have spoken to enough parents, from all around the country, to believe that this is a valid concern.
Perhaps a compromise, ask which camp we’re in. However, I would caution that the answer could change week to week or even day to day. When in doubt, always use our name. It’s the socially appropriate thing to do.